I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
