I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I skipped work to stalk him.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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