It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
