im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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