I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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