airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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