The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I would fuck him just for his dog