After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
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I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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