The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.