so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
