Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
