i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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