I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Randomize
