I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Randomize
