I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
