he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
