Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
