A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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