Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
