I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
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As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
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Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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