You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
