The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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