so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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