I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
