My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
