Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
