How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
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I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
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Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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