You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
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Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
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We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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