I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
