I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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