mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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