apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
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