he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
