i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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