You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
