she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
