By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
