She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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