Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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