Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
