I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
it glows. i had to have it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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