He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
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