i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
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I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
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I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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