Can i not drive my cunt home
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
