Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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