Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Just invented taco cereal.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
