So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
