Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
