His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
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Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
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Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.