I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
How does one acquire holy water?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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