i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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