I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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