I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
