everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
