I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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