Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
