My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
